I’m a 45 year old male, reasonably happy because I’m still here, alive and kicking, per se. But what bothers me? Sex, being sexual. There are people who have this idea that we, people with disabilities, either don’t like sex, can’t have sex, or shouldn’t have sex – this one, in this person’s opinion is based the ignorance of people that don’t know or understand. Keep in mind, that when I say ignorance, I’m not saying stupidity. Ignorance is defined as a “lack of understanding”. I am paraplegic, meaning “partially disabled” or paralysis of the legs and/or part of the body, in this case, my legs. I can’t feel certain areas… Yeah, you guessed it, there as well. I also use a wheelchair.
So what do we as people with disabilities do when we are feeling sexual or horny? We adapt. We find ways of doing what we want, I started to find ways at a young age; I felt my body, explored myself, and found those areas where I can feel, and worked from there. Then I started getting out of what was then, my comfort zone, and explored different ways, different facets to express my sexuality. Again at a young age, I explored nudity. I’m going to be frank, because of my disability, I wore diapers for the first seventeen years of my life, which meant that I had to again adapt to what I wanted to do. Shortly after that, nudity turned into mild exhibitionism. I remember being home alone, and wanted to go lay out on the back deck of my parent’s house. Actually, I wanted to “play.” I went outside clothed, and once I got out and the coast was clear, I stripped down, laid out a towel, relaxed and explored myself. I enjoyed the excitement of being outside naked and the possibility of being caught, and I was almost caught, once. Since then, I’ve done things to help me feel sexual, to express my sexuality – much of it was me hiding in almost plain sight.
But you may ask, “have you ever had sex?” or “been intimate with anyone?” No, I haven’t. Other than the occasional kiss, which have come few and far between. I’m a single 45 year old man who happens to be disabled. Am I happy? Somewhat. I’m thankful to be alive, after my parents were told that I may not live long. Things have changed since 1979. I’m happy but I’m not beaming, not by a long shot. Now I’m not saying this to garner sympathy, I’m just being honest. I’ve been single since 1991, that’s sixth grade for those of you doing the math. So I’ve not had what one would characterize as a “relationship.” I admit I’m fairly shy around women. Why? Because my confidence isn’t all that high. And that may be, in part, due to my disability.
When I was younger, I tried to refuse but still thought in the back of my mind that I wasn’t being approached by women in a more than friendly manner because I am disabled. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve begun to think more towards that conclusion. Back then, I thought that perhaps they were stuck up. Perhaps they don’t understand why I am disabled, and what comes with that. They don’t walk in my proverbial shoes. I think that there are some who make assumptions, not only about myself, but about other people with disabilities, and that brings me back to my original thought that, they don’t think that I or others can have sex.
Throw out your traditional definition of sex. Sex isn’t simply penis enters vagina. Remember? “Adapt to what you can’t do.” Hands, fingers, mouths, tongues, and toys. Shoot, women don’t need us (men) anymore, we’re almost obsolete – thanks for starting that shit, “Doc Johnson.” But people like me who are disabled use toys as well, at least I do. I’m a proud owner of a Hitachi Wand. Also the Pulse Duo III from “HotOctopuss”, a sex device manufacturer that I was once loosely associated with.
Years ago, I learned of 3 misconceptions that others have about people with disabilities and sex.
1. We don’t like sex.
2. We can’t have sex
3. We shouldn’t have sex.
Why?
All of these myths or misconceptions come from an ableist culture.
Ableist – Coming from or having the belief that disabled people, people who have an illness, injury, or condition that makes it difficult for them to do things that most other people can do, are not as good as people who are not disabled, or that they do not deserve special arrangements that help them to live their lives and be included in society.
A society that doesn’t accept us, or doesn’t try to understand or accept us. They are complacent with what they believe they know.
Being disabled doesn’t mean that you can’t have sex, it means that you have to adapt, and be more creative with your approach. “Adapt to what you can’t do.” I learned that from a wise man who used to ask me all the time, “You okay?” …That’s a conversation for my therapist and myself.
Being Sexual in a Disabled World, in my world… it takes patience and creativity, because I can’t do some things that other people of my biological gender can. Let me correct that, I can’t do some things the way they are “traditionally” done. I don’t want to say “normal”, because for many of us who live with disabilities, normal is used against us. The way that I masturbate or pleasure myself, it’s not in the, again, traditional manner.
Being Disabled in a Sexual World, that’s another side of myself, another facet if you will. I don’t like to talk about this in my everyday life, because I’m sure that many would be shocked or surprised by my honesty on the subjects of sex, sexuality, masturbation and the like. I’m definitely vague about being sexual while living as a person with a disability, because of the many varied opinions and assumptions people share online as well. Oh, the internet is my “open space” where I share my feelings about my sexuality, virginity, wants, and desires. But anonymity, I have that; being in front of a computer screen, when I’m not sharing things about myself online, which I am guilty of. But I wonder if any of you will read this, and stop and think, “he did that and he’s disabled?”
This is my protection, protection from a fairly harsh, opinionated world. If you’ve read this article, I hope that you’ve enjoyed it, learned some things from it, and that you take some or all of what you’ve learned and share it with others.
About 25 years ago, I was in a class that taught people with disabilities how to live independently in their own homes, three years later I moved into my first apartment. The instructor of that class, who also has a disability and worked in that building the class was held in, had a sign on his desk that I’ll never forget. “Disability Does Not Mean Inability.” In 2021, I accepted a position doing that very thing, to this day.
Written by Trojanviper.
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